


The Vampire and the Maid

by Gretccheen



Series: High School Love Affairs [3]
Category: Homestuck
Genre: Alternate Universe - Human, Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Coming Out, F/F, First Kiss, Fluff, Fluff and Angst, Gay Panic, Girls Kissing, Hickies, Implied/Referenced Child Abuse, Implied/Referenced Homophobia, Internalized Homophobia, One-Sided Attraction, Pesterlog(s) (Homestuck), Practice Kissing, Protective Siblings, Religious Conflict
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-08-21
Updated: 2018-08-21
Packaged: 2019-06-30 15:54:28
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 8,051
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15754923
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Gretccheen/pseuds/Gretccheen
Summary: She was the first person you had confessed your secret too. You had been her first, too, so it seemed natural that you would share this first together as well. Or at least, you hoped it did. You had no other reason as to why you were kneeling on her floor, wringing your hands because you were thinking about how badly you could mess all this up. And there were so many ways this could go wrong. You were in the bedroom of the most popular girl in school, and she wanted to kiss you. It was what all the boys talked about in class, about what Feferi’s bubblegum-pink lips would feel like against theirs; about the curve of her hips and the length of her thighs and the dip between her collar bones. As if they were speaking about some random picture and not a piece of art in the flesh. “Kanaya?”Lord, please don’t let me mess this up.





	The Vampire and the Maid

**Author's Note:**

> This includes two minors kissing and giving each other hickies. If this is something that triggers you, then you are more than free to skip this story! It is NOT a main part of the series, and while it may be mentioned (specifically in Feferi-centric stories) it is not important to read this story to understand the rest.

It had been a month after Feferi had first told you. The secret had weighed heavy on your mind, plaguing your thoughts at the most inopportune of times. You had almost told your mother, an older, church going woman, that you were a vegetarian when she had asked if there were any boys you had been interested in at school. She wouldn’t have gotten the reference, but Porrim certainly would have, and that was a conversation you wished to avoid for as long as possible. Not that you were worried Porrim would react poorly--quite the opposite, really--but you wanted to figure out _why_ girls made your heart race and your brain go fuzzy before explaining it to her. You felt like you owed it to her.

It certainly made no sense to you. You could see the appeal in men, you could, but the thought of being with one made you physically ill. It wasn’t there appearance that upset you, either; you had met plenty of men and had found them handsome enough. But there was something about them, something about a _man_ that made you hesitant. Perhaps it was the horror stories on the news of men who hit and swore and _attacked_ , of men who only cared about women who would let them have their way with them. If that could even be called caring. Or, perhaps, it was the way the Church spoke of it. The fear of rotting away and burning in Hell for something as simple as who you were in love with. It made no sense to you, but fear was irrational, and it could not be reasoned with. Even more so when you had no idea where to start.

So you bottled it up, hid it behind the dark lipstick Porrim had introduced you to with a wink and a quiet whisper of, “They made it illegal, once, because they thought it was a way for witches to ensnare men”. It was easy to tuck it into the back of your mind, left conveniently forgotten until your hands had stopped moving or you were awake just a minute too long. They already accused you of witchcraft; you weren’t about to be damned for homosexuality as well.

 And then Feferi had asked The Question.

cuttlefishCuller [CC] began pestering grimAuxiliatrix [GA]

CC: ) ( e y Kanaya. 

CC: Can I ask you a question?

GA: Of Course You May Feferi Ask Me Whatever You Would Like

CC: W) (ale, it’s kind of personal...Is it still okray?

GA: Feferi, You Are One Of My Most Trusted Confidants I Promise I Will Not Be Bothered By Whatever It Is You Wish To Inquire About

CC: ) ( ave you ever kissed a gill, Kanaya? 

Ah. Out of all the questions, you weren’t quite expecting that.

 GA: I Am Quite Sorry To Admit That I Have Not Kissed Anyone Let Alone A Girl

 CC: O ) (!

 CC: I ) (aven’t, either!

CC: I was just wondering w ) (at it would be like, is all!

You stare at the text, surprised. Feferi was a very likable young girl; you were surprised that she hadn’t kissed anyone. Most would give an arm and a leg to even date a girl like her, let alone kiss her. You had been included in that number, of course. Feferi was stunning. How could one _not_ be attracted to her? (Silently you think she was the reason that you realized that men weren’t your cup of tea, not that you would ever admit that to her). You begin typing before you can even think it through, hitting send before you could even regret the action.

GA: Well, I Am Quite Familiar With Romantic Movies Because Of Karkat. From My Understanding Many Young Girls Partake In Kissing Practice With Their Best Friend I Do Not Want To Make The Assumption That I Am Your Best Friend But I Would Be Willing To Engage In This Kissing Practice With You Should You So Desire

Shocked, you drop your phone and bury your head in your hands. There you go ruining things between you and her. You were friends with very few people around your age. In fact, you could only think of three who would call you a friend in kind, and they were Tavros, Karkat, and Nepeta. And none of them knew your secret. None of them _could_ know. Nepeta was in love with girls, too, but she had a habit of talking about it to whoever would listen, and the odds of her accidentally saying something about you, too, were odds you weren’t willing to risk. And Tavros was still unfamiliar territory. You weren’t going to ruin things between them, too.

Your phone vibrates once, twice, and then _Part of Your World_ starts playing, Feferi’s designated ringtone. Quickly you pick up, an apology already on your lips, but the other girl stops any and all coherent thoughts with a gentle whisper of, “Kanaya, do you really mean it?”

“I do.” You lick your lips, swallowing thickly. “This is not something I would joke about, Feferi.”

“Wanna come over? You can spend the night and we can...You know. Kiss.” Thankfully she sounds just as embarrassed as you feel. “If you want.”

“I am the one who offered, didn’t I?” You take a shaking breath, rising from your bed equally as shaky. “I’ll ask Porrim; I’ll be but a moment.” Feferi hums her assent before beginning to talk about something entirely unrelated. You know she’s doing this to help calm you down, and you feel your heart swell with affection for her. The walk to Porrim’s room takes no time at all, and you can’t help but hesitate in front of the door. You’re unsure of why you’re afraid, but it settles like a weight in the pit of your stomach, holding you in place. The few breaths you manage are sharp, taken in too deeply and not given enough time to properly release before taking another. Feferi says your name into the phone, voice soft and filled with concern that makes your throat tighten painfully. You raise your hand and knock on the door so forcefully it makes you wince, and you take a quick step backwards when you hear Porrim call, “I’m coming!”

As soon as she opens the door you realize you have no plan of action, and are left staring up at her, trying to speak past the lump in your throat. “Kanaya?” She says gently, reaching up to gently place her hand against your forehead. “Are you feeling okay?

“Can I spend the night at Feferi’s tomorrow?” You blurt unceremoniously, and Porrim draws her hand back like she’d been burnt. There’s a few tense seconds between the two of you before she’s laughing, bringing her hand back to ruffle your hair, which you fix with a huff. “Of course you can. I’m heading over to Kanny’s, anyway.” You stare up at her with wide eyes, grip tightening on your phone. “Relax. Nothing bad has happened. He’s just having some boy trouble. Let me know when you want to go over, okay?” She pats your cheek gently before retreating into her room, shutting the door softly behind her. You stand there a few moments, blinking, breathing sounding far too loud in your own ears. Feferi makes a concerned noise, and you shake your head to clear your thoughts.

“I’ll arrive whenever you’ll have me.”

\---

When you awoke the next day it was to the feeling of hands on your shoulders gently shaking you awake. You sit up with a start, lip drawn between your teeth the keep the sounds from slipping out. “Relax, darling,” someone whispers gently, one of the hands coming up to run through your sweaty bangs. “You’re alright.”

“Porrim?”

“Yes, it’s me.” Without a second thought you blindly reach for her, and she carefully adjusts you until you’re held tightly in her arms. “Oh, darling.” She squeezes you tightly, pressing her lips against the crown of your head. Everything you want to say refuses to come out, so you let out a whimper instead, taking large handfuls of the fabric of her t-shirt. Porrim rubs her hand along your back, whispering soothing words into your hair. “Was it a nightmare?” You nod into her shoulder, not trusting yourself to speak. “Do you want to talk about it?”

“No,” you whimper pathetically, and Porrim simply hums. “I’m sorry for waking you.”

“You didn’t wake me, Kanaya. And even if you did, I wouldn’t have minded. This isn’t something you have to apologize for.” She pulls back far enough so she can look you in the eye, smiling softly. “I’m here for you, okay? I’m always going to be on your side.” You take a shaking breath, and Porrim reaches up to wipe at your eyes. “No matter what, I’m always on your side.”

“Do you really mean that?”

“I do,” Porrim says in the voice that you’ve only heard once or twice before when she speaks with Kankri about the things that really matter, like falling in love and taking care of oneself. A voice that cannot be questioned; a voice filled with so much love that it makes you want to cry again. You might actually start crying again, because Porrim brushes her thumbs against your cheeks and shushes you gently. “Come on, why don’t we get you something hot to drink and you can tell me what’s going on.” You nod weakly, and Porrim easily guides you out of bed, holding tightly onto your hands. She murmurs encouragements the entire way downstairs, and you try not to take too much pride in the fact that you only stumbled twice the whole way down.

Porrim guides you into one of the kitchen chairs, running her hands through your hair before turning towards the stove. “What kind of tea would you like, darling?”

“Chamomile.”

“It’s a little early for that, don’t you think?” Porrim says teasingly, but she’s already reaching for the box that she buys specially for you, tucked deep into one of the cabinets away from the other insomniacs who like to frequent your home. She fills the kettle and sets it to boil before pulling up a chair across from you, reaching her hands across the table. You take them, and she tightens her grip immediately, brushing her thumb soothingly along the length of your hand. “What’s eating you, Kanaya?”

“It’s a foolish thing to be afraid of.” You say with a shrug, trying to think of a way to deflect without being too obvious. 

“I would say it’s far from foolish if it’s causing you to have nightmares.” There’s a hint of accusation in Porrim’s voice, but her expression remains the same overly caring one she always wears when comforting someone.  

“Do you believe in Hell, Porrim?” That gets her attention, and you find that you don’t get any pleasure from seeing her concern melt into surprise, then concentration.

“No,” she says after a moment, tilting her head to look at you. “At least, not the traditional version. If the Devil wants us to sin so badly, why would he punish us for it?” Porrim lets out a chuckle that sends shivers down your spine. “Besides, the church is wrong about a lot of things.”

“What do you mean?” Your voice is too high, too tight, a clear giveaway that something in the church is the reason causing these problems, and you know that Porrim is going to pick up on it and use it to her advantage.

“Being forced into a life of eternal damnation just because of who you love is an obvious first pick.” She raises an eyebrow when you gasp, and _God, you’ve really messed up, now_. “Kanaya?”

“Please don’t tell mother.” You blurt, wrenching your hands from hers in order to hide your face. “Please don’t tell her.” The tea kettle whistles, startling you both, and you don’t think you’ve ever seen Porrim look so sad.

“Of course not,” she whispers, rising from the table. “Your secret is safe with me. I’m on your side, Kanaya. I’m always going to be on your side.” You can’t help but feel like she’s lying, though, because the betrayal is clear on her face and it makes your stomach lurch painfully. “I’m sorry,” comes out before you can stop it, a pitiful whimper barely contained behind your trembling hands.

“I’m sorry, too.” There’s the soft clink of glass hitting the table, and you hear the pitter-patter of footsteps that make the hairs on the back on your neck stand on end. _She’s leaving?_ Panic rears its ugly head and you turn towards the sound, her name already on your lips in a desperate plea of _stay_. But she’s already in front of you, arms held open wide and you sob, nearly knocking the chair back with the force of you launching yourself into her arms. “I’m so proud of you,” she murmurs, “so, so proud of you. My little fighter. Look at me, Kanaya,” Porrim tilts your head up when you hesitate, something you can’t quite place in her eyes. “There’s nothing wrong with you. Not a single thing. You’re my darling little sister, and nothing is ever going to change that. Especially something like this. I’ll protect you, understand? You’ll always be safe with me.” Her hand cards through your hair, soothing, and you cling to her as tightly as you dare. You’re worried that you’re clinging too tight, that there will be reminders of your weakness forever imprinted on her skin in the form of crescent moons, but Porrim doesn’t seem to care.

If anything, she seems to be clinging to you just as desperately.

\---

Several lukewarm cups of tea later Porrim is once again settled across from you, chin resting in her hands and expression thoughtful. “That really is quite the conundrum, isn’t it?” You nod, idly pushing the eggs around your plate. She had insisted that you had eat something, but it was obvious she wasn’t hungry, either, if the way she was brutally tearing apart her egg was anything to go by. You had told her everything, every little secret and feeling until the words wouldn’t come anymore and you had been backed into the same corner you had been since the whole thing had started. Why did you like girls in the first place? Porrim didn’t seem to have any answers (or at least, ones she planned on sharing), so the two of you were now sitting in the weight of her phrase, trying to figure it out together.

It was relieving to know that she knew, now; relieving that there was one less person to hide from. The thought of having someone to confide in who wasn’t someone just as confused and unsure as you was comforting, to say the least. And you knew that Porrim would defend you with everything she had. That’s just the kind of sister she was; if you were in trouble, no measure was too drastic to ensure your safety. It was honestly a little embarrassing at times, but you wouldn’t have it any other way.  “Kanaya, why do you like fashion?” Porrim says suddenly, drawing you out of your thoughts.

“Because I enjoy it?” Porrim narrows her eyes, and you take a moment to consider it. “It is very relaxing. I find it enjoyable to create something with my hands, and I quite enjoy seeing the fruits of my labor.”

“You’re a pretty kind person. Why is that?”

“It is the right thing to do,” you say, confused.

“Just because it’s the right thing to do doesn’t mean you have to do it. Why do you think it’s the right thing to do?”

“I...I do not know. Porrim, is there a reason you are asking me this?”

“We’ll get there. Answer this first. Put that pretty head of yours to use and think about it, Kanaya.” You close your eyes, worrying your bottom lip between your teeth. It seemed like such an obvious question, but you couldn’t help but feel there was something you were missing. The first thing that popped into your head was _because the Bible says so_ , but you shove that to the furthest corner of your mind. That is _not_ something that needs to be brought up in this discussion.

It just...Felt right. Being kind. It was a way to show your friends that you cared (and you did, God did you care about them). There was something soothing about it, something that made you feel powerful (although that wasn’t the quite the word you would use to describe it) helping others. Helping someone pick up the pieces of their life when it shattered, unafraid to cut your hands. The feeling of pride you got when someone asked you to help them; how therapeutic it was to make videos for Tavros or run your fingers through Karkat’s hair. It was easy for you.

“Being kind feels good.” You can feel yourself flush at your explanation, but Porrim hums, encouraging you onwards. “I feel like I am doing something worthwhile. Helping my friends brings me much joy.”

 

“It just feels right, doesn’t it? As natural as breathing. That’s how you feel, don’t you?” She hit the nail right on the head with that one. You stare at your hands, unsure of how to respond. It’s true, but what does that have to do with anything? “Kanaya, look at liking girls in the same way. It just feels _right_. You don’t have to question it; you can just let it be. There’s no crime in not understanding everything.”

“But,” you try and argue, but it falls short. You’re left staring at her, mouthing words but no sounds coming out. This wasn't the answer you had been looking for. It feels incomplete somehow. Unsatisfactory. Porrim smiles soothingly, reaching across the table to take your half-eaten eggs from you. “Just think about it, okay?” You watch as she dumps both plates in the trash, worry blossoming in your chest when you realize that she hadn’t eaten much, either.

“Porrim?” It comes out a whisper, but it fills the quiet room like you had shouted it.

“I’m okay; don’t worry about me.”

“I always worry about you.” _You’re my sister. I love you. Talk to me. I can help, too!_

“I know,” she sighs, turning to look at you. “Someday you won’t have to worry. About me. About anything. I promise.” Her smile is rough at the edges, and she looks so, so tired.

“I love you.” Another whisper, like it’s something dangerous. Maybe it is.

“I love you too.” _I’ll make it so you never have to worry, too._

_\---_

cuttlefishCuller [CC]  began pestering grimAuxiliatrix [GA]

CC: ) (ey Kanaya!

CC: Feel free to come around whenever!

GA: Porrim Has An Appointment With Kankri In About An Hour Would It Be Acceptable For Me To Arrive Then

CC: Shore!

CC: I’m R-E-ELY -EXCIT-------ED!

GA: I Too Am Filled With Excitement For Our Encounter But I Do I Have One Question

CC: Yes?

GA: Is There Anything That You Would Like For Me To Bring In Addition To Myself

CC: Nope! Just bring yourshellf!

grimAuixiliatrix [GA] ceased pestering cuttlefishCuller [CC] 

Well, that was a bit of a relief. You had never been invited to many sleepovers (not including impromptu visits to Karkat’s house with Porrim). Tavros often had you over for the day, and you weren’t close enough with Nepeta to have been invited to her house. You would treat this like an overnight visit to your relatives, then. Pajamas, an extra blanket, toothbrush. Necessities. You could handle that.

It was calming, sorting through the things you needed. With your head finally focused on something other than the anxiety that sat heavily in your chest, you found yourself relaxing. You would be fine. _Everything will be fine_ , you repeat to yourself, over and over, in a voice so soft it’s almost like you’re simply mouthing the words. 

You’re drawn out of your reverie by a knock on your door. When you turn, Porrim is standing in the doorway, smiling fondly at you. “Ready to go?” She asks softly, and you nod, a little hesitant. “I’ll be in car, okay?” Porrim looks exhausted, her normally flawless makeup smeared and shoulders sagging under an invisible weight. A question bubbles inside you, but she’s already gone, the door left slightly ajar in her wake. WIth a shaky breath you push your inquiry aside. If Porrim wishes to tell you, she will. At least, that’s what you tell yourself.

When you go downstairs you’re surprised to see Porrim is still there. That, and your mother is home. The two are talking in hushed whispers, and your mother seems to be growing more and more agitated the longer the conversation continues. You stand, frozen, in the kitchen doorway, unsure of what to do. Your first instinct is to intervene and try and mediate; this isn’t the first time Porrim and your mother have fought, and it certainly won’t be the last. But something feels off about this conversation. Normally Porrim is confident in her speech, loud and proud about what she has to say. Her hands move freely, and she stands tall. But not now; now she looks so _small_.

“Kanaya, darling, go to the car. I’ll be a minute.” Porrim says, gaze still trained on your mother.

“Porrim?” It comes out as barely a whisper, and your grip tightens on your overnight bag.

“Car, now. Please.” There’s something desperate in her voice, something that makes you so, so _angry_ , but you aren’t sure why, or at who. You nod, even though she can’t see, and you can feel eyes on you as you walk past. _Don’t make it obvious; how do you normally act?_ “And where are you going, Kanaya?”

“Karkat’s, with Porrim.” you lie, hoping your voice doesn’t shake. “His insomnia has been acting up again, and he requested that I spend the night to try and help him sleep. Is that a problem, mother?” There’s a bite in your voice, but you try and stand your ground, focusing on the door instead of giving into the urge to turn and look at her.

“No, of course not.” Your mother says tersely. “I trust that you will be responsible.”

“Of course.” The implication that you or Porrim would be anything but makes your skin crawl.

“I won’t keep you any longer, then.” She says with an air of finality. The room is quiet save for the sound of her footsteps, and the door to the kitchen closes with more force than necessary. You let out a shaking breath, trying to ground yourself. _When did I get so anxious?_ “I’m sorry, Kanaya,” Porrim whispers, and you turn to face her.

“Does she…” Your voice catches in your throat, and Porrim shakes her head.

“Not with you. Someone at the church had some interesting rumors to spread about me.” Porrim smiles, but you know it’s fake. She reaches out a hand and brushes her thumb against your cheek. “I didn’t realize she had come home. I’m sorry.”

“It isn’t your fault,” you begin, but Porrim shushes you gently, reaching up to run her fingers through your hair. The two of you stand there for what seems like an eternity, but eventually Porrim pulls away, giving your shoulders a squeeze. “Shall we?” You nod, letting her keep her arm around your shoulder as you walk out to the car. It’s a bit of an awkward squeeze through the door, but neither of you are keen on letting go. You both manage; you’ve always managed.

“Has Karkat’s insomnia been acting up again?” Porrim asks as she starts the car.

“It has been better, but he’s sleeping. Not much, but it is certainly better than the period where he did not sleep at all.”

“God, that was a mess,” Porrim says with a laugh. “I’ll check on him and let you know. How’s Tavros doing?”

“Better; he requested that I record some guided meditation for him to help him if he has a panic attack in a scenario when Rufioh is not available. He mentioned that he and Rufioh are going out with Rufioh’s boyfriend sometime this week. I believe this is the first outing that Tavros has accompanied them on.”

“Are you going to go with him?”

“Perhaps; it is up for him to decide.”

“Tell him that you wouldn’t mind tagging along. He probably won’t ask unless you bring it up.”  You hum in agreement, and Porrim sighs. “Kanny is going through the same thing you are, you know.”

“What?” You look at her, shocked, and Porrim shrugs.

“The whole ‘I’m pretty sure I’m gay but Jesus exists’ thing. It’s one of the reason I’m going over. That, and I want to make sure they eat some actual food for once in their lives.”

“Oh.” You feel relieved, just a little, that someone is just as confused by this whole ordeal as you are. “They aren’t eating?” The weight of your words hits you so hard that you straighten, Porrim glancing over at you curiously.

“Not well. I was going to air them out a bit and go on a grocery run.” She laughs, but there’s little humor in it. “Don’t worry, we can handle a few plastic bags.” That isn’t what you’re worried about, and you’re sure she knows, but you nod anyway, slowly sinking back into the carseat. The rest of the ride is done in relatively silent save for the radio, which Porrim had turned just a smidge too loud. A subtle indicator that she would rather be left to her own thoughts. You, on the other hand, would rather fill the silence with words, at least enough to calm the angry mass of anxiety in your stomach.

You pull out your phone, desperate for some sort of distraction, and open Pesterchum. You hesitate over Feferi’s contact, unsure of how you would even start a conversation like this (Were you even close enough to have a conversation like this?). So you go to Tavros’s instead, already having a starting sentence forming in your mind.

grimAuxiliatrix [GA] began pestering  adiosToreador [AT]

GA: Tavros I Recall That You Mentioned Accompanying Rufioh and Horuss On An Outing Of Romantic Nature And If You Would Like A Companion To Accompany You As Well On Aforementioned Outing I Would Be More Than Willing To

AT: uH, THANKS KANAYA

AT: i, UH, WOULD REALLY LIKE THAT

GA: You Are Most Welcome Tavros

AT: uH, KANAYA, CAN I,,,aSK YOU A QUESTION?

GA: Of Course You Can Tavros Feel Free To Inquire About Anything

AT: wELL, UH, RUFIOH SAID YOU WENT TO ONE OF THE UPPERCLASSMAN PARTIES

AT: aND I WAS, UH, WONDERING WHAT IT WAS LIKE

AT: dID YOU HAVE A GOOD TIME?

GA: I Will Admit That I Did Not Have The Best Of Times At Least When I Was With The Upperclassman But Once I Absconded Upstairs With Nepeta My Experience Improved Greatly

GA: Feferi Arrived Later As Well And I Believe She Would Have A Similar Tale To Tell

GA: To Tell You The Truth Both Nepeta And Feferi Ended Up Sleeping Most Of The Night

AT: wHAT DID YOU DO?

GA: The Party Got Busted Or At To Be More Accurate The Cops Showed Up Apparently They Are On Quite Familiar Terms With The Amporas And Left Him Off With A Warning

GA: I Assisted Porrim In The Cleaning Up Because Cronus Was Preoccupied

AT: rUFIOH DID MENTION THAT THE COPS SHOWED UP

AT: i,,,DON’T THINK I’M READY FOR ONE OF THOSE PARTIES YET

GA: That Is Perfectly Alright Tavros To Be Quite Frank I Do Not Think I Am Ready For Them Either

GA: Porrim Appreciates Having An Extra Set Of Eyes To Watch Over Kankri That Is The Only Merit I Can See To Going

GA: If I Am Unneeded Or Things Are Getting Out Of Hand Porrim Usually Escorts Me To One Of The Upper Floors

AT: wOW, THAT DOESN’T, UH, SOUND TOO BAD

On the outside, it doesn’t. Not in the slightest. Part of you wants to tell him that even the rooms Porrim tucks you in aren’t safe from drunken teenagers with their slurring words and hands that didn’t understand that “No” did not mean “Yes”. Thankfully Nepeta was almost always there to fight them off; you almost always froze up, the fear far outweighing your disgust of being touched in such a way.

Tavros had called you a Vampire once, as a joke, but the word had stuck with you long after the laughter had subsided. A creature of the night, ageless, something so powerful it was only spoken of in hushed whispers. Something so beautiful and mysterious that people romanticized them. If only you were half the creature a vampire was. Maybe then you wouldn’t have to rely on Nepeta and your sister to protect you. Maybe then you could protect them too. _Mother would be beside herself if I were to become a vampire. Just another reason to become one, then._ Your mother already thought you were a witch, that Satan was worming his way into your heart and tainting you. _As if I wasn’t already tainted_.

“Kanaya, we’re here.” Porrim says gently, snapping you out of your thoughts.

“I’m sorry,” you reply, and she tuts, reaching over to brush your hair from your face.

“For thinking? Don’t be. We all get lost in our thoughts. Do you want to talk about it?”

“No.” You feel guilty for saying so, but Porrim doesn’t seem deterred, simply running her fingers through your hair again. “Thank you for taking me. I’ll call if I need anything.” It feel like you’re leaving something unsaid; a tension hangs between the two of you in care that you can’t quite place. Porrim smiles and leans across the dashboard to press a kiss on your cheek. “Take care, darling.” She watches you climb out of the car, and you wince when it thumps against your leg. You feel awkward, and your skin feels like static, fuzzy and tingling with energy.

The front door opens before you get there, and Feferi practically pounces on you. She nearly knocks you over with the force of her embrace, and you think you accidentally hit when you throw your arms around her. “Hi,” she giggles, peering up at you.

“Hello,” you say back, feeling weak in the knees.

“Oh, sorry!” Feferi wiggles her way out of your grip, beaming at you. “Wanna come in?” You nod, not trusting yourself to speak. Porrim honks, and the two of you turn to face her, surprised. She’s laughing, throwing a thumbs up, and you resist the urge to groan. Feferi laughs, waving, and your heart floods with affection. You’re glad that she’s the one you told, that your secret is held tightly in her hands. Feferi couldn’t hurt anyone if she tired. She was gentle, and kind, and she was just as lost as you were. _And pretty. Very pretty._ The two of you would stumble your way through this. Together.

\---

“Meenah has gone out for a while, so we have the house to ourshellves.” Feferi explained, bouncing slightly as you slipped out of your shoes. “Do we need to tour the house again? It’s been a while since you’ve been here.”

“I should manage. Thank you, though.” You feel odd speaking any higher than a whisper, and Feferi quirks an eyebrow at you.

“Why are we whispering?” She asks between giggles, and you smile softly.

“It feels like a secret,” you murmur, and Feferi nods, letting out a soft ‘ah’ in agreement. “Ah, that makes it sound like something horrible, doesn’t it?”

“Nope!” The other girl reaches for you hand, and it makes your stomach do a backflip. “This isn’t a bad secret. It’s like...it’s like a surprise! We’re just waiting for the right time to tell everybody else.” _A surprise, huh? It certainly doesn’t sound as bad as a secret._

“I told my sister this morning.” Telling her feels relieving. “Only about me, however. Your secret...No, your _surprise_ is safe with me.”

“Oh Kanaya! I’m so proud of you.” Feferi squeals, squeezing your hand.

“It’s nothing she didn’t already suspect,” you murmur, embarrassed. “Porrim was not the one I was worried about confessing to.”

“Whale, if you and Porrim ever need anywhere to stay, my house is always open! Meenah might complain a little, but that’s just how she is. We’ve certainly got enough room!” She laughs a bit at the end, and you feel another wave of affection. You are going to protect her, you decide, and you’ll do it with everything you’ve got.

“I’ll let Porrim know.” Your voice sounds strange, tight and unsure, but Feferi is sweet enough not to comment on it, simply squeezing your hand again and tugging you towards the kitchen.

“Let’s get some snacks first, okray? I haven’t eaten yet.”

“Feferi, it’s nearly noon!” Your motherly instincts kick in, and you’re already running through simple recipes that you could make for the two of you. Feferi laughs, letting go of your hand so you can rummage through her cabinets. After a moment you pause, turning to her and sheepishly saying, “May I?”

“Of course! Help yourshellf. I’ll help, if you’d like? I make a mean mac and cheese.”

“Mac and cheese it is, then.” You agree, and Feferi’s smile is blinding.

\---

Half-an-hour later the two of you are curled up in Feferi’s room, bowls of mac and cheese resting in your laps. Feferi is leaning against you, watching with wide eyes the episode of Blue Planet that was playing on the laptop. Every time a particularly interesting fish came upon the screen she let out a soft, excited trill. It made you feel strange, all soft and warm, like a sweater straight out of the dryer. _Is this what it means to be in love? Is this...Is that what loving a woman feels like?_ If it was, then you didn’t care what happened to you. If you were damned to hell for something like this, then you would gladly take it. 

You glance at Feferi, and what was supposed to be just a look became you staring at her. Because she was _beautiful_. The kind of beautiful that would be seen in princesses of fairy tales. And everyone knew it, too. Feferi was all the boys in your homeroom would talk about, gushing about the way her skirts would reveal her thighs or the way her lips looked when she pouted, painted in bright pinks and topped with shiny glosses. _Imagine what they’d look like stretched around--_ , they’d say, _look at how cute her ass is in those jeans_. It made you sick to your stomach, hearing them talk about her like that. It was if they didn't realize they were in the presence of a goddess. 

If Feferi was a goddess, then you would be her first follower. Her prophet, her most devoted worshiper. You would show all the non-believers the true meaning of religion. You would shield her from all pain, protect her from those who wished to taint her sanctuary. You would become her Dolorosa, her Lady of Sorrows. A love like this would never be returned, and you knew this. But you would follow her anyway, put faith into the love you were only just beginning to see. And if that damned you to hell, well, you were probably already damned anyway.

“Kanaya?” You startle, wincing at how your spoon rattles against the glass of your bowl.

“My apologies,” you manage, swallowing around the lump in your throat.

“It’s okay. I space out all the time.” Feferi says soothingly, and you want to correct her, because you were not “spacing out”. But you bite it back, force your lips to curl into something you hope resembles a smile. Feferi smiles back, far more easily than you had, and sets her bowl to the side. “Can I tell you something? It’s kind of weird.”

“Of course you can.” It comes out too fast, too desperate, and you have to set your bowl aside because of all the noise you’re making with how badly your hands are shaking. _Deep breaths, Kanaya. In and out. You can do it._ Feferi begins playing with a strand of her hair, and you try not to focus on the way it curls around her fingers. “I’m reelly, reelly excited about kissing you. I was reelly nervous that my first kiss would be all weird and awkward with some buoy that  I’d never see again afterwards, because it was so bad, but...You’re reelly pretty and nice and I’m really glad that my first kiss is going to be a gill like you.” Her words come out so fast that they leave your head spinning. But your body must have got the memo, because you reach out for her. She curls close to you, blinking up at you, and your mouth feels dry and the words you need to say are caught in your throat.

The weight of what you are about to ask, about to _do_ , hits you like a truck. You, Kanaya Maryam, are about to kiss Feferi Peixes. And she _wants_ you too, if way she keeps looking at your lips and presses impossibly closer is anything to go on. “Feferi,” you whisper, hands trembling against hers. “May I...May I kiss you?”

“Yes,” she breathes, leaning closer. Feferi is kneeling in front of you, and she places your entwined hands on top of her thighs. Her eyes flutter shut, and for a moment you just stare. _She’s so beautiful_. You untangle one of your hands from hers and reach up to brush some of her hair out of her face. She lets out a sigh, leaning into the touch. You take a steadying breath, willing the anxiety to leave. And then you close the distance between the two of you. 

It’s awkward, your forehead pressing against her, and your noses end up pressing together, but neither of you make an attempt to move. Feferi scrunches up for a moment, and you move the hand on her face to the back of her head. You can feel her relax, and she squeezes her hand tightly. After a moment the two of you pull apart, just enough that your lips are no longer touching. “Wow,” she whispers, and you appreciate the sentiment. Your skin feels like it’s on fire, and every point of contact only increases the electricity in your veins. Some of your lipstick had transferred, the black a startling contrast to the pink, but you find yourself in awe of it. You can feel sticky residue from some of her gloss. One of her hands reaches up to cup your cheek. “Can we...can we do it again?”

You don’t trust yourself to speak, so you nod, eyes widening when she presses her lips against yours again. You reach out ot steady her, tilting your head so you’re a bit more comfortable. Her lips move against yours, as if she was trying to thank you, and you let out a little hum. She shudders, letting out a little trill. Your mouth opens in surprise, and you almost pull back when her tongue slips inside. It leaves almost as soon as it had come,  but the feeling remained, sending a shudder through you and the odd, but not entirely unpleasant, sensation.

When Feferi pulls back again she’s breathless, staring at you with wide eyes. “I wanna,” she begins, “I wanna sit in your lap. Can I?” You nod, and she starts tugging you to the bed. “C’mon, Kanaya; it’ll be more comfortable.” You go where she moves you, letting her push you against the wall and straddle your lap. She puts her hands on your shoulders, drawing her lip between her teeth, and you are filled with such a strong desire to be close to her that you reach for her hips, letting out a soft noise when she trills at the touch. “Hi,” she says, giggling.

“Hello.” You sound just as breathless as she had, and you crane your neck back so the words are breathed along the column of her neck. Feferi settles more comfortably on your lap, murmuring something you don’t catch before pressing her lips to you. The urge to touch fills you, and one of your hand trails along her back, slowly inching upwards until it’s at the base of her neck, threading through her hair. Her nails dig into your shoulders, making you gasp, and she presses more firmly against you.

It’s nothing like the scenes in the movie, with hands that reached below the waist and heads turning to get the most of the other’s mouth, but you don’t care. Nothing could be more perfect than this. Feferi’s thumb brushed over the places where her nails had been, humming into the kiss, inhaling sharply through her nose to try and get enough air in to keep the kiss going. You press your tongue against her lips, curious, and they part easily. It’s odd, feeling her teeth and her own tongue against yours, and you can taste her lip gloss, but it’s good, too. The hand in her hair slides to her neck, and you can _feel_ the soft trill she makes when you press at the juncture where her neck meets her shoulder. _What would it be like if I kissed her neck?_ The thought alone is enough to make you sigh, and Feferi drags her nails along the back of your neck before she pulls back. “You’re reelly good at this, Kanaya.”

“As are you.” The two of you pause for a moment, catching your breaths. “May I try something?”

“Yeah,” she says, breathless, pulling back so she can sit in your lap. “Yeah.” Carefully you reach up and move her hair to one side, gently tracing her neck. _Vampire, huh? Maybe Tavros was right after all._ Feferi tilts her head to the side, letting her eyes flutter shut. Gently you press your lips against her neck, just to see. It was quick, only a few seconds, but Feferi gives a little shudder and gasps. When you pull back you’re surprised to see a nearly perfect outline of your lips, and you can’t help but laugh. “Kanaya?”

“I left a mark, and it’s nearly perfect. It is like the one that happens in movies.”

“Oh,” she says softly. “Can you...Do it again? With a little more pressure?” Instead of responding you do as she asked, pressing your lips in the same spot. Feferi shivers, and you reach up a hand to keep her in place. You mouth at her neck a little, curious, and that gets what could have been a moan if she hadn’t clamped her lips shut around it. Filled with a new determination, you press your lips more firmly against her, just barely letting your teeth graze across her skin. This time she lets out a trill, hands blindly reaching up to keep you in place. “Kanaya,” she whines, “do it again.”

You do as she asked, moving a bit lower so that’s your lips are against the juncture of her neck and shoulder. She makes a needy noise and you bite down, probably a little harder than necessary. You try to pull back so you can apologize, but Feferi pleads, “Don’t move, please, Kanaya.” So you press your lips against it in apology, hesitantly licking at the spot. Feferi sighs, loosening her grip, and you press a kiss against the spot in appreciation. You pull back after a moment, staring at the spot in surprise. “Feferi, I may have, um. I might have.”

“It’s okay,” she murmurs, reaching up a hand to run it through your hair. “It’s a mark, right? I can cover it up. Don’t worry about it.” 

“I’m sorry,” you try, but she shushes you gently.

“Switch with me?” You must have looked confused, because she giggles. “It wouldn’t be fair if you did all the stuff, right?”

“My mother would kill me.”

“No marks, promise. I’ll be careful.” You relent with a sigh, and Feferi cheers. She slides off of you and takes the spot you had occupied. You hesitate a moment before moving to straddle her lap, curling your legs to fit. Feferi reverently places her hands on your waist and you flinch, unsure of what to do with your hands. “Here,” she whispers, taking your hand and placing it on her shoulder. “It’s okay; you can touch me. I won’t break.” You nod, moving your other hand to play with her hair. For a few moments the two of you just sit there, adjusting to the new position. Then Feferi leans forward, pressing her lips against the dip between your collarbones. You tense, gripping her shoulders tightly. She hums, and you shiver at the feeling of the vibration. Feferi moves upwards, pressing kisses along your collar bones, the juncture between your neck and shoulder, until she reaches just below your chin. You make a soft noise when reaches a particularly spot, and she grins wickedly.

Without warning she licks a stripe along your neck stretching from your shoulder to your chin. It makes you shudder, and you let out a noise you didn’t know you could make. You flush, and she presses a kiss to the middle of your throat. “Does it feel good?” She murmurs, and you let out a breathy noise. “It felt reelly arayzing when you did it.”

“I’m glad,” you manage, and Feferi hums, pressing more feather-light kisses along your throat. “Feferi?”

“Huh?” She says, sounding distracted.

“Kiss me again,” you whisper. “Properly.”

“Properly?” She teases, sucking lightly on a spot closer to your shoulder.

“Please,” you groan, and she laughs. “Pretty please? With cherries and sugar and--” She cuts you off, pressing her lips to yours lightly. It isn’t enough for you, however, and you thread your fingers through her hair and press more firmly against her. She trills, the vibration feeling odd against your lips, and you hum back. Feferi rubs her thumbs along the length of your collarbones as she kisses you, and the sensation makes your stomach squirm. She pulls back as much as she can with your hands still knotted in her hair, smiling softly. “Wow,” she breathes, and you realize how much you love this closeness. You’re breathing the same air, and you’re sure she feels the same thrum of heat and static underneath her skin as you do.

“You’re beautiful,” you murmur, and Feferi sighs, shoulders sagging under the weight of your praise.

“I think I know why people say gills are so great.” She says, leaning forward so her forehead rest against yours. “I feel like I could kiss you forever.” You agree with the sentiment wholeheartedly, but aren’t sure how to say it. In these few minutes you feel like you’ve had every question answered; you’ve never felt more sure with your sexuality than you did in this moment. Held in the arms of someone who trusted you, who, dare you say it, _loved_ you. Nothing would ever compare to this. Even if it never led to anything more than this. If it remained something purely physical for the rest of your life, you would be content. Your love would become a vampire, hidden and tucked away until night returned, feeding on the kisses she asked for and the small, tiny touches. You could survive on this; you had survived on far, far less.

“Will you stay the night?” Feferi whispered, running her fingers through your hair. _How could you say no to that?_

“Of course,” you murmur, reaching up to press your lips against her neck. “As long as you’ll have me.”  Until it was safe for you to come out, to be happy, to be _you_ , you would stay by her side. You would become her shadow, her vampire, her Dolorosa. If it killed you, well, at least you would die happy. _Until death do us part._

**Author's Note:**

> So a lot of this is me projecting onto both girls and Kanaya, specifically. I personally struggled with being gay and Christian, so I guess this is me trying to figure it out. The kissing scene, as well, is based on a period of my life where I had a similar situation with a friend of mine. We would practice kissing one another, and while I won't go into details, it was not as consensual and as much of a mutual thing as Kanaya and Feferi's. So I guess I'm just doing what I wish this period would have been.


End file.
